Category Archives: Humor

No knock knock jokes, just good clean intelligent fun.

Found on another site

The site I got these from is rather obscure and has some that aren’t funny and others that aren’t kid safe. Below is the edited version.  I’m not recommending this site, just acknowledging the source.

Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus:
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

AT&T virus:

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus:

Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus:
This virus mutates from region to region and we’re not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones.

Congressional Virus:

Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus:

The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Gallup virus:
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

Government economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Mario Cuomo virus:
Might destroy your computer, but you’ll never know since  it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus:

Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.

New World Order virus:
probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus:

Just Does It!

Ollie North virus:
Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Pat Buchanan virus:
Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus:
This revolutionary virus warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

PBS virus:
Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus:

Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism”.

Texas virus:
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus:
Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Things I wish everybody knew about the Internets.

There are more than enough sites that advise you on how to keep kids safe on the net, but I’ve found that kids aren’t the only one needing help identifying threats on the net. You could call these common sense suggestions, except for the fact that 50% of the people on the net didn’t realize one or more of these things. Also, some of this is from personal experience.

1. Get a real browser.

Internet explorer is the holy exploding browser. I call it holy because it is the easiest to exploit and riddled with holes in the code, and exploding because the older versions aren’t standards compliant. Ergo, they make perfectly good sites look wonky because they don’t like to play by the rules. If you have problems with certain web sites, and you are using IE, then you might find they all go away with a better, free browser. (Look up Firefox and Chrome.)

2.  Be sure you have a good Anti-Virus Program and turn auto updates on.

I’ve not known anyone who has gotten a virus with AVG. I’m sure that it is possible, but I know plenty of people who have viruses with Norton and McAfee. I have two points. One; No Anti-Virus program can protect you from everything. Two; AVG does a good job of it and doesn’t slow down the computer as much as the others do. This is because the other programs are doing all kinds of extra stuff.  The other guys will get the job done, but they also aren’t free. Also, install a malware protector program like Spybot search and destroy, or Malwarebytes would be most helpful.

3. Make a habit of looking before you click.

If you look down to the bottom left of you screen when your mouse is over a link, you will notice that there is a bit of text that may look something like this  “https://mail.google.com/mail/?shva=1#inbox” . I know this looks like gibberish, but it is actually telling you exactly where you will go if you click the link. You can tell from the part that says “mail.google.com” that you will be going to gmail. This is a known safe place to land. Links from a safe site are usually to another safe site, but if you aren’t sure about the site you are on, always look at the links before you click them.

4. Never click on a popup window.

Always close them out. Anything that pops up at you except on a trusted site, like a bank site where it asks you if you really want to log out, has a huge potential to cause problems on you computer. I spent several hours cleaning a computer for a friend who clicked on a popup ad that said her computer was at risk and ask her if she would like to run a scan. Once she clicked on the popup, it started installing itself on her computer.

5. Be sure of who an e-mail is from before you open an attachment or follow a link. This will help keep you from opening a virus. Even if you know the person who sent the email, keep an eye open for anything that sounds out of character or super generic. If you suspect a message might not be from someone, send them an e-mail asking if this email was from them. Don’t forward the email though, you don’t want them to open the virus to see what it was they didn’t send you but you got in their name.

6.  Avoid known risk sites.

There is no way to make a torrent site safe. Some are safer than others, but in general, unless  you know a good bit about computers, you shouldn’t use them.

Be careful about downloading screen savers and phone ringers. There are a huge number of phony sites in all flavors that will give you a free ringtone, and complementary virus.

If porn sites don’t rot your brain first, they will rot your computer and turn it into a robot that sends out emails to people you don’t know and asks them if they want to click on a link that will give them the zombie virus too. Welcome to hollywood in your computer. It sucks. Don’t let it be you!!!

So, how do you know a site is safe? First, see if people you know have any suggestions for what you want. Supposing no one you know has a recommendation, check on the net to see what sites people recommend. Try to only use the site if two or more people agree that it’s safe.